


A Fractured Forever

by Akiko_Natsuko



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Character Death, Consecution, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, M/M, Magic, Memories, Past Relationship(s), Promises, Rebirth, Reunions, Soulmates, dunamancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:01:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22579795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_Natsuko/pseuds/Akiko_Natsuko
Summary: They'd had lifetimes together, and although death was still to be feared, it was softened by the knowledge that they would find one another again. And it had been as easy as breathing for Essek to lean forward in those final minutes, and promise to wait, no matter how long it took for them to find one another again. However, this time the Luxon had failed them, fracturing their bond, seperating them and leaving Essek haunted by the memory of his soulmate and a promise that he might never get to fulful.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 6
Kudos: 88





	A Fractured Forever

**Author's Note:**

> For one of my DMs, who loves Essek to pieces and who sobbed at me when I suggested this idea to her (ignoring the fact that Essek hasn't gone beyond his first life yet)
> 
> Please note that if you want to talk to me about my fics and writing, or anime/shows/games in general then you can now find me on discord [The Unholy Trinity](https://discord.gg/sPa25ynH9q).

_This wasn’t the first time he’d experienced, but the lifetimes spent between each always seemed to dim the memory of what those last moments had been. Oh, he could remember how he had died each time – old age, illness, the endless fall, but not the final moments themselves when the darkness had swept over him and peace had chased away everything, even thoughts of Essek. As though summoned by his thoughts, or more likely by the voices, he could hear rising around him, and the blood pooling beneath him, he heard his partner’s voice ring out. Stern at first, no doubt demanding answers although he lacked the ability to make out the words themselves, and then the beloved voice was rising, panic bleeding through Essik’s usual calm…and in front of others too._

_“I’m sorry,” he said, feeling rather than seeing Essek falling to his knees at his side. Or at least that was what he hoped he’d said, but everything was being drowned out by a roaring sound in his ears that seemed to throb and pulse in time with the pain in his back._

_He was dying._

_He’d already known that, but the certainty of it at that moment hit him like a crippling blow, and he forced his eyes open. There was a haze over the world already, but he could still make out Essek leaning over him, his usually calm expression shattered to pieces, and his mouth moved wordlessly as he stared up at the other man. His partner. His centre. There were a million things that he wanted to say to him. There always was in these minutes, but this time he didn’t have the words or the voice to say them. Maybe it was because they were far from home, the pull of the luxon terrifyingly distant. Or perhaps it was because the attack had caught him by surprise, an assassination that he had a feeling hadn’t even been meant for him, and he tried desperately to speak now, needing to warn Essek, wanting to spare him from this fate, but his body was failing him as a chill took root._

_Then there lips against his, the kiss chaste and all too fleeting, a farewell and ‘I love you’ all at once, and then there was a warmth against his forehead, as Essek leaned in and pressed their foreheads together, and he wasn’t sure if the tears on his cheeks were his or Essek’s. “I’ll be waiting, Dearheart. However long it takes.” There was grief in those words, a loneliness that they had both experienced at times, but also the confidence that came from knowing that the luxon would bring them together again, it always did, and he smiled, a brief, fleeting curl of his lips before he was gone._

_Wait for me._

**

Essek startled out of his mediation with a low cry, one hand outstretched as though he could snatch hold of the man in the memory that had slipped through the walls he had built around his mind. His fingers closed on air, just as they always did, and slowly he lowered his hands. It had felt so real. Then it always did, because that was the power of truth. The power of the luxon and consecution, and he had never hated it as much as he did at that moment. He wanted to be able to forget, to pretend that the past lives that dwelt in the back of his mind had never existed, that He had never existed, to forget that moment when the beloved eyes – brown in that lifetime had slid shut, with their promise of forever hanging between them, neither of them knowing that it would be a lie that time.

_I’ll be waiting, Dearheart…_

The words he had whispered. The words he had believed in more than he had ever believed in anything lingered, tasting like ash in his mouth, and he closed his eyes, hands curling into firsts. Lifetimes. They’d had lifetimes together. He had lost count of how many times they had found one another, but it had been enough that he’d known that he’d found his One – that there was no other soul out there in the world that could ever match his so perfectly. Each loss had hurt, having the luxon and the promise of rebirth and finding one another again didn’t erase the grief, but it had made it bearable. It had allowed him to kiss his lover farewell on the blood-stained rampart, and turn his focus to hunting down his murderer, secure in the knowledge that with time they would be together again.

Yet, it had never happened. The years had passed, new people had drifted in, and out of his life, souls had continued to be reborn in the light of the luxon.

But not His.

It had never happened before, at least not like this. Some souls were lost if they were beyond the boundaries of a beacon’s influence, but even though they had been far from home that fateful day, the light of the beacon had still been on them. There were even whispers that sometimes, a soul could choose not to be reborn, lurking in the shadows cast by the beacons. Despite all his research on the matter, he had never found any evidence to prove those rumours, and so he dismissed them. Besides, he had seen the relief that had greeted his promise, and he knew that nothing would willingly keep his soulmate returning from him. Which meant that something was keeping him away, that something had fractured their forever and stolen him away.

Essek’s eyes flew open, magic flooding the room as his usual, careful control wavered. A snarl on his lips, as he rose to his feet, graceful even in his rage. It was four steps to the window, and then he could look out across the city to the Lucid Bastion and the heart of the dynasty. He knew that his research into the beacons real power made people uncomfortable, and he had long since masked it as a disbelief in the myths that surrounded everything to do with Luxon and a questioning of the commonly held knowledge amongst their people. Not wanting to people to realise that it was desperation that guided him, a longing that only grew as the years passed. He didn’t want or need their pity, to see them try and mask it when he was around, and although his current path left him cut off, he told himself that it didn’t matter. Nothing did as long as he was able to find the answers he needed.

 _I will find you;_ he promised the man in his memories. _No matter how long it takes._

****

_There was a fleeting moment, as the magic washed over him, chasing away the confusion and madness that Caleb caught of glimpse of something in the depths of his memories. It wasn’t one of the brittle, splintering memories that Ikithon had planted in his head, twisting his thoughts and making him… his mind darted away from what had happened, what he had done to his own family… and nor was it one of the hazy memories that were slowly coming into focus, as his mind cleared for the first time in years._

_This memory felt old. Not like the ones he was regaining of himself as a child running around in the fields or watching fascinated as a passing traveller used their magic to entertain the village children. No, this one was older still, although he wasn’t sure how he knew that, or how that was possible. He just knew. Just as he knew that it wasn’t a dream, or a figment of the madness that was slowly receding from his mind, the certainty disconcerting considering how everything else was in flux at that moment._

_Maybe that was why he reached for it, like a drowning man grasping for the only rock in sight as the waves crashed against him, and for a moment he had it. Colour blossoming, as for a moment it felt as though the man in his memories - no, Drow, his mind corrected after a moment - was looking at him with wide blue eyes, that held such love and grief that Caleb couldn’t breathe, as a voice that he knew he’d never heard but felt more familiar than his own at that moment echoed through his head._

_“I’ll be waiting, Dearheart. However long it takes.”_

****

Caleb Widogast was an intriguing human.

At least that was the excuse Essek was using for having stayed up so late, combing through his books for spells that he thought would interest his new ‘student’. It was easier than having to think about the aching, painful kernel of hope that had taken root in his chest from the moment he had laid eyes on the man, although if he was honest, that was rarely far from his thoughts these days.

_Essek had been prepared to be bored when he was summoned to the throne room to attend an audience with a group of strangers that had not only found a way across the border, but had an altercation with some of the dynasty forces. There was a passing thought that that must have taken some skill, but it had been short-lived, and he had been more irritated than anything as he had taken his place in the shadows to watch proceedings. He could have been in the library researching, or even dealing with the growing intelligence that he was receiving as the conflict with the Empire expanded, rather than wasting his time here, and he missed the first announcements and the doors opening, considering a scroll he had uncovered the other day that seemed to suggest the existence of an older, forgotten history of the Luxon. If he could find that…_

_His thoughts trailed off, forgotten as a strange feeling washed over him. For a wild moment, he thought that someone had tried to cast a spell on him, and he straightened, his own magic rising, ready to fight the threat when he located it. But, it didn’t take long for him to realise there was no danger as his gaze swept over the group that had been herded in to stand in front of the Queen, outnumbered even before their words and protests saw them being surrounded and chained. However, he missed that development, because his gaze was locked on the human male in the middle of the group, as the same feeling that had caught his attention before swept over him again. It was recognition, and familiarity…and it wasn’t… because he had never seen this man before, and when the human’s eyes, a rather enchanting blue met his for a fleeting second there was nothing – no recognition, no sense of familiarity, just fear and rising dread as he seemed to realise the danger he and his friends were in._

_Essek couldn’t look away. It wasn’t him, it couldn’t be, because there had been no spark, no recognition or shared memory, and there was something, a pull that he hadn’t felt years. A longing that threatened to cut through the memories and grief, and he’d almost stepped forward then, ready to speak up and claim the human’s life so that he could explore this feeling – uncaring of what happened to the others. But, before he could give in to the temptation, the other man had acted, stepping forward and speaking up with a courage that had brought a half-smile to Essek’s face._

_Just like him…._

_The conversation that had followed had been shocking, as had the return of the beacon they’d all thought lost, and the feeling gripping him had intensified at the sight of the human holding the beacon aloft._

_Could it be?_

_But there was no shift in the man’s expression, no sign that he was aware of anything but the most fundamental aspects of the beacon’s power, and Essek had kept his peace. At least until they had asked about one of his newest prisoners, and he had stepped forward as Shadowhand, speaking to them all, even as his attention remained riveted on the human – seeing the way his eyes closed in relief at the confirmation that they did indeed have this Yeza, and filing it away for potential use later. Then when he was appointed to be their steward while they remained allies of the Dynasty, he had almost smiled at the opening that had been handed to him._

That had been a couple of weeks ago now, and yet he was still no closer to unravelling the mystery that was Caleb Widogast, and it was as infuriating as it was intriguing. He’d half expected the strange feeling of familiarity that wasn’t familiarity to fade away, especially when Caleb was no longer directly next to the beacon, but it remained, stronger at times than others. And he kept seeing similarities between the man that haunted his memories, and the human that hounded his waking thoughts, and he was no longer sure if it was memory, longing or a lonely soul searching for something that he could cling to.

Regardless of what it was, he was finding it impossible to escape the human’s pull. It was why he was being more dedicated to his role as ‘steward’ that he’d intended, and while he had allowed himself to be so easily talked into teaching Caleb dunamancy – although he knew that the wizard thought that it had been harder than it was, and had noticed his discomfort at the idea of owing ‘favours’ for the lessons, making him wonder at what life the human had led before finding his way to him. _A lifetime without me,_ he thought, and froze, dropping the book that he had just reached for. Where had that thought come from? It was one thing to hope, to be curious about the pull he felt to the human, it was another to start believing that maybe they were one and the same.

_It’s not him,_ he told himself sternly, retrieving the book. If it was then why hadn’t Caleb recognised him, or at least reacted to his presence, especially when the power of the Luxon was strong here? He’d been alert for it, watching Caleb closely when the wizard had come for the lessons, waiting for a moment, a glance, anything that would tell him what he was looking for. But Caleb had been polite and obedient, and kept himself at a careful distance, treating him as a stranger who had the potential to be an ally, not even a friend.

It had been disappointing.

Yet, his hope had persisted, not least because of Caleb’s magical talent. When he first demanded a demonstration of the wizard’s power, he hadn’t been expecting too much. He had studied human mages over the years, had fought alongside them once and against them more often, and he had a good grasp on their capabilities.

Caleb was a work of art.

Not in the sense that Essek strove to be when he used his magic, effortless and commanding, and not afraid of showing the world his power. Caleb was the opposite, although Essek had the impression that he hadn’t always been that way, because there was a confidence that only appeared when he cast, and he was curious to see what he was like if ever truly allowed himself to be free with his magic. Still, it was an enchanting sight to see him so focused, a diamond shining through the image that he projected of himself, a spark in the blue eyes that Essek had decided there and then he wanted to see again. It was that, almost more than the power of the man’s magic that had made him say ‘yes’ to teaching him, and why he had so quickly allowed him to copy two of his spells – and it had been worth it, because the spark had lingered, even with Caleb’s reservation about the cost of what he was being given.

Then there was the speed with which Caleb had taken to dunamancy. It wasn’t unheard of for humans to be able to use it, and he knew that was growing, especially with their recent access to at least one if not more of the beacons, but it rarely came naturally to them. There was a natural hesitation in humans, a wariness of meddling with time and other aspects of reality, that stopped them from fully accessing the power of dunamancy. Caleb appeared to lack that wariness, or if he did, it didn’t hold him back. In fact, his magic seemed to revel in it.

_“Look!” The excited cry had made him look up from his own work, just in time to watch the space in front of his partner shimmer and shift, before an echo of his partner stepped into being, both turning to look at him. Then the duplicate lifted a hand, and Essek felt a breeze pass through the room, a harmless cantrip cast before the echo faded back into the folds of time that had been drawn through. “I did it.”_

The memory sprang up unbidden, but it wasn’t as painful as it had once been and Essek sighed, cursing his own heart, and the hope that refused to die. He glanced down at the book in his hand and nodded – that was enough to be going on with, and he couldn’t let himself forget that Caleb and his companions were not yet to be fully trusted and that it was safer to stick with teaching the wizard lower level spells until they knew for sure. However, when he reached the door he found himself hesitating, the memory still lurking beneath the surface, only this time when he thought about it, it was Caleb’s blue eyes that looked back at him, filled with that spark that called to him. Before he could second guess himself, he turned back and gestured at the bookcase, summoning the book that held ‘resonant echo’ and adding it to the other one, hoping that he wasn’t going to end up regretting this.

****

_Caleb bolted upright on his bed in the Xhorhaus, a hand outstretched, reaching for something or someone that he couldn’t put a name to, a wordless cry on his lips. As the now familiar sight of his room registered, he sank back against the pillows, trembling and breathless as he blinked up at the ceiling, startled to realise that his eyes were stinging with unshed tears._

_It wasn’t the first night he’d woken like this since coming here, in fact, it seemed to be happening every other night now, and he didn’t understand why. Nothing had changed. Well, no, everything had changed with his actions in the throne room, but nothing that would explain the shift in his dreams, and the resurgence of that fleeting memory he’d glimpsed when the madness had receded. It was clearer now, and it felt closer and more real, and it maybe it was because at least a part of him was attracted to Essek, but the face in his memory and that of the Shadowhand seemed blurred in his mind now. It unsettled him, and yet when he tried to hold onto that uneasiness and stay away from Essek, it seemed to melt away, forgotten even though his mind never let him forget anything._

_He wanted to see Essek. He almost wanted to tell the Shadowhand about the dreams, about the strange memory that haunted him, and he couldn’t understand why. He’d never mentioned it to the others, so it made no sense why he would feel such a draw to tell Essek, especially considering that the rest of the time, he was desperate to prove that he was worthy of the lessons he was being given. It would be exposing a weakness, something other than the favours he holds over me to exploit, and yet…_

_I still want to tell him._


End file.
